Looking Back: Struggles

Keepin' it real.

The Struggles

Some surface-level stuff (notice I didn't say "little" - they aren't life and death hardships, but they don't necessarily seem little):

Hot weather - It's a huge energy zapper, which naturally effects pretty much everything from French study to quiet time to keeping up with correspondence.  And having sweaty clothes sticking to you all the time?  Not a fan, I must say.

Cockroaches - Okay, you may or may not understand this one.  Just think of something you find really gross and then imagine having to deal with it in your house.  Every day.  Multiple times a day.  However, this is one struggle from which I currently have a reprieve - Anna has saved the last tattered shreds of my sanity with that cockroach powder.  A true friend she is. :)

The city scene - People and cars everywhere, tall buildings, very little in the way of nature...I'm not a hermit by any stretch of the imagination, but I do like peace, quiet and space sometimes.  Everywhere else I've lived, taking a walk or run outside was one of my favorite ways to de-stress.  Here, taking a walk outside doesn't really have the same de-stressing effect.  (In fact, it's more likely to be a source of stress.  I still walk for exercise, but not for relaxation.)  Basically, I'm just not a city girl.  No siree!

Standing out (which kind of goes along with the last one) - It's inevitable; the minute I step outside my door, I stick out like a sore thumb.  For someone who doesn't care for the spotlight and would much rather fade into the background, this is definitely out of the comfort zone.

Smells - No further comments on this one...

Deeper struggles:

Nothingness - I went from being a capable, functioning member of adult society to a fumbling, bumbling idiot who didn't know how to function the normal way in this society.  It's humbling.  Frustrating.  Exhausting.  Maddening, sometimes.  My wounded pride is always looking for ways to prove (to myself, if no one else) that I am capable and intelligent and self-sufficient.

Homesickness - I can honestly say that I'd never really dealt with this much before moving here.  Back at the MTC - my first time living away from home - I remember missing home, but never really feeling homesick.  ("Homesick" being more than just simply missing home, but a feeling more along the lines of get-me-out-of-here-now-I-don't-think-I-can-take-this-any-longer.)  I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been a very frequent companion since my arrival.

"Why am I here?" - People say when things get rough, you need to have a strong sense of purpose, of why, to keep you going.  The bare truth is that, when it comes to this, I seem to have more questions than answers.   (And if you're tempted to try to answer the question for me, please don't.  I know the pat answers; I know the verses.  But all that's hollow if it has mostly stayed up in one's head, not heart, for years and years.)