Looking Back

A year ago:

I was sitting at Esther's dining table, staring at my computer screen.  I had the apartment to myself that morning.  It was quiet except for the swish-swish of the washing machine and the hum of the fans.

I'd been back in the States for almost a month, and it was time to start looking at the next step.

I tried to pull my thoughts together and write the emails I needed to; emails to different NTM centers in the States, asking about ministry opportunities.

It wasn't working.

The emails themselves should have been simple enough, but all I could think about was everything I didn't know in that moment.  I didn't know what to say.  Didn't know if I was crazy for ending up in this situation to begin with.  Didn't know what changes lay ahead or what my future was going to look like.

Between the tears that insisted on coming no matter how hard I tried to stop them, I dashed off an email to a friend -

"So...right now I'm having another one of those freak-out moments.  'What in the world am I doing here and did I make the right decision in coming back and what am I going to do and do I really belong here?'

I just don't know how to sort out all these crazy feelings swirling around inside my head right now.

I don't know what I want.  I don't know what He wants.  And it scares me...the unknown.  I guess if I truly trusted Him completely, it wouldn't scare me...but it does."

She wrote back:

"One day you’ll be able to look back and tell this part of the story."

One day you'll be able to see His hand in all of it, see that this was part of His story.  One day you'll look back and tell how good and faithful He's been.  One day you'll see the wild, beautiful grace woven through the tears and the questions and the fog.

I told her I knew it was true.  I believed it.  But at the end of that morning, all I had were red eyes and my load of clean laundry.  Not a single email written.  Not a single question answered.

Oh, how the fear paralyzed me.

- - -

This summer has brought things full circle in many ways.

The answers came - after months of waiting.

Peace eventually replaced the fear.

The fog cleared and now my heart sings with certainty: This is where God has me, and I know that beyond the shadow of a doubt.

The place where all my lack of trust came to an ugly head is the place I call home today.

I love how God has been writing this story.  It's surprised me.  He writes things so differently than I would.  He always does.  But His way is better.  I value the direction He gave me far more because of the long hours I spent praying and waiting.  The peace and clarity are so much sweeter after going through the fog, the searching, the fear.  He knew that they would be.

His promises have proved true - again - and I sigh, feeling both relieved and foolish.  Of course my Hero was going to come through.  Of course He was.

I know myself well enough to know that I will forget again.  There will be other foggy days.  I'll lose sight of Him and let fear hold me hostage.

But He will always be here with me.  He'll always be writing this story, this story of grace, even when I can't see His pen moving across the page.  Even when what I can see seems a jumbled-up mess.

His stories are always perfect.  Because He is perfect.