Looking Back

A year ago:

I was sitting at Esther's dining table, staring at my computer screen.  I had the apartment to myself that morning.  It was quiet except for the swish-swish of the washing machine and the hum of the fans.

I'd been back in the States for almost a month, and it was time to start looking at the next step.

I tried to pull my thoughts together and write the emails I needed to; emails to different NTM centers in the States, asking about ministry opportunities.

It wasn't working.

The emails themselves should have been simple enough, but all I could think about was everything I didn't know in that moment.  I didn't know what to say.  Didn't know if I was crazy for ending up in this situation to begin with.  Didn't know what changes lay ahead or what my future was going to look like.

Between the tears that insisted on coming no matter how hard I tried to stop them, I dashed off an email to a friend -

"So...right now I'm having another one of those freak-out moments.  'What in the world am I doing here and did I make the right decision in coming back and what am I going to do and do I really belong here?'

I just don't know how to sort out all these crazy feelings swirling around inside my head right now.

I don't know what I want.  I don't know what He wants.  And it scares me...the unknown.  I guess if I truly trusted Him completely, it wouldn't scare me...but it does."

She wrote back:

"One day you’ll be able to look back and tell this part of the story."

One day you'll be able to see His hand in all of it, see that this was part of His story.  One day you'll look back and tell how good and faithful He's been.  One day you'll see the wild, beautiful grace woven through the tears and the questions and the fog.

I told her I knew it was true.  I believed it.  But at the end of that morning, all I had were red eyes and my load of clean laundry.  Not a single email written.  Not a single question answered.

Oh, how the fear paralyzed me.

- - -

This summer has brought things full circle in many ways.

The answers came - after months of waiting.

Peace eventually replaced the fear.

The fog cleared and now my heart sings with certainty: This is where God has me, and I know that beyond the shadow of a doubt.

The place where all my lack of trust came to an ugly head is the place I call home today.

I love how God has been writing this story.  It's surprised me.  He writes things so differently than I would.  He always does.  But His way is better.  I value the direction He gave me far more because of the long hours I spent praying and waiting.  The peace and clarity are so much sweeter after going through the fog, the searching, the fear.  He knew that they would be.

His promises have proved true - again - and I sigh, feeling both relieved and foolish.  Of course my Hero was going to come through.  Of course He was.

I know myself well enough to know that I will forget again.  There will be other foggy days.  I'll lose sight of Him and let fear hold me hostage.

But He will always be here with me.  He'll always be writing this story, this story of grace, even when I can't see His pen moving across the page.  Even when what I can see seems a jumbled-up mess.

His stories are always perfect.  Because He is perfect.

Auntie Corner

It's been a while since I've shared any pictures of Malachi, or "Little Dude" as we like to call him.

But how sad would it be not to share cuteness like this?

Seriously, I can't even.

He melts my heart completely.

I just want to squeeze him and tickle him and kiss him.

December.  Must wait till December...

All decked out for the Fourth.

He's getting so big.

He's so curious.

He sleeps in a bed instead of a crib now.

He kisses the phone when I call.

And...

Yes, you read that shirt right.  I'm going to be an auntie again this fall!

And it's going to be a girl!!  I can't wait to meet her.

You know what's super fun?  The day I found out Sarah and Brian were expecting, my good friend Tamara told me they were also expecting again: "You're going to be an auntie times two!"  And I thought to myself...How cool would it be if I were actually going to be an auntie times THREE?!

So I called Angèle up later that day and told her the news.  "Is there anything you want to tell me, maybe...?" I prodded (because that's the kind of friendship we have).  "Oh, no, Rachel.  No, I'm not expecting."  So she said.

She actually was and didn't know it yet.  ("How did you know?!" she asked me later.  "I didn't even know yet!"  I laughed and told her I'd just had this feeling...)

Which means that this fall, I will indeed get to be an auntie times three!  I still get all giddy thinking about it. :)

- - -

Last weekend I got to watch this cutie, his brother, and two of his sisters while their parents snuck away.

I can't even tell you how much I love him.  And the whole family.

I wish I would have gotten more pictures, but...well, let's just say there were a whole lot of other things vying for my attention. :)

Also, T-mama?  You're a rock star, being mommy to all of them day in and day out.

- - -

Well, there you go.  A little bit of cuteness to brighten up your day.  Or evening, as the case may be.

What Life Looks Like

Sometimes ministry looks like this -

Filling in at the front desk.  (The idea made me a bit nervous - I know that's silly - but it was relatively painless, and I'll be doing it again soon.  The more I do it, the less scary it should seem.  Right?)

Deep cleaning in the guest house.

Sorting through and organizing guest house kitchen stuff.

While sorting and cleaning I found this (left by previous guests)...

...and this (a very old recipe book stuffed in one of the drawers).  Among other things.

- - -

My summer reading stack.  How many can I get through before the semester starts??

"I'm so homely nobody will ever want to marry me - unless it might be a foreign missionary.  I suppose a foreign missionary mightn't be very particular."

That made me laugh way too hard for so many reasons.  Also?  I think Anne Shirley just might be my favorite fictional character ever, although the book itself can't actually knock Evangelists in Chains from its place of my favorite fiction book.

- - -

Around the school -

Improvements on the third floor!  The ladies lounge is being turned into a dorm so we have enough room for all the students coming this fall (Yay that "having enough room" is something we have to think about this semester!).

And another recent improvement - we have something entirely new at school.  A ditorium.  (Actually the "u" just randomly fell down one day, but how unimaginative does that sound?)

- - -

When someone goes on a trip and your "pay" for watering their garden is some of the harvest...how could you complain?  Incidentally, I had forgotten just how incredible garden fresh peas were.

I miss spring's tulips, but I discovered this house not too far from school with a whole bunch of sweet peas cascading over the fence.  Just dreamy.  (Dreamy is a word I rarely use, but a fence of sweet peas seems to merit it.)

This is the view from my window now.  Only a few short months ago, this place was white and bare branches and gray skies.  Now the trees are so full I can't even see the houses across the street.  Oh, and when a breeze blows through?  It sounds simply delightful with all those leaves.

- - -

In the office -

The guest house has new sheets!  They were delivered in like umpteen boxes last week.  If you only knew the hours of deliberation I spent on exactly what kind I should get (because I'm stupidly and hopelessly over-analytical), you'd understand how momentous the delivery was.

Also last week...my office looked like this.  My friend and sometimes-office-mate Raylea was getting married, and I was helping out with the reception.  My office happened to be the most convenient place to temporarily store the snacks.  And décor.  And serving dishes.  And...

And also all those new sheets in boxes. :)

I was cutting up burlap sacks for the reception décor, and guess what kept falling out of the bags?  Little unroasted coffee beans.  Funny.

My office plants are growing so happily.  Sigh.

- - -

The kitchen was a happenin' place the other weekend -

Creamy homemade yogurt.

I checked around, and the best price for Greek whole-fat yogurt was $3.50/quart.  I bought a gallon of whole milk for $1.99 (which gave me about 2.5 quarts of yogurt once it was strained).  You do the math.

I think my bread bowl may not be big enough for this recipe...

There was also a big pot of beans made, veggies chopped, and other food things.  It was a very productive Saturday, if I do say so myself!

- - -

My little home -

Sometimes I light candles just because they're pretty.

Fabric is my one weakness.  Fabric on sale is even better.  You're wondering what this will be for?  Just you wait and see!

My tulip frames are hanging up now.  At last.

And I have a couple new frames up in the living room now too.  One is missing a picture, and the other will eventually have some words printed on it.  But at least they're up on the wall, right?

- - -

Friday's wedding -

The wedding and reception were outdoors in a woodsy-garden place not too far from the school.

Ten minutes before the ceremony was supposed to start, it started pouring!  I mean, people got absolutely drenched.  I was inside working on reception stuff, so I escaped drowning getting uncomfortably wet.  Everyone took refuge in the garden house and about half an hour later, the ceremony was able to start.

Raylea and Connor

The reception workspace - it was a bit chaotic with so little table space and so many coolers, platters, and containers to work with!

The reception spread.  A bunch of ladies - some here on staff, some from Raylea's family - all pitched in and brought stuff, and everything was delicious!

Isn't she a lovely bride?

I tell you, this place was gorgeous.  So green, so lush, so...words fail me.  And at night, with all those lights strung up?  Magical.

I got to bring home some of the flowers from the centerpieces.  That made me happy.

- - -

There aren't any pictures from the Fourth which I spent with some super cool friends, or from the extensive grocery shopping trip I made with another friend, or the multi-church sing time in the park last night...

Or lots of other little everyday moments.

But that's okay.