Dear _____,

Produce vendor who said he thought I was the lady on the Air France billboard just down the street [to be featured in another post]...  Wow.  No.  Most definitely not!

Pesto cheese bread...  Not quite the same as when we make it at home, but still tasty.  I suppose it's just as well that you didn't turn out addictively delicious (like at home).

French ad...  I do not approve of the word "selfie" in English, and I'm no fonder of it being borrowed by other languages.  (Sorry to sound snobby, but I really dislike that word.)

Roasted butternut squash...  I love you.  Sure, you have endless potential for both sweet and savory creations, but what I like best is how perfectly delicious you are with no embellishments whatsoever.  Just roasted and eaten directly from the skin.

Little girl making mud sand cakes by the side of the road...  How's that working out for you?  It doesn't seem like sand would hold together very well.

Duck-flavored ramen noodles...  I can't say that you tasted much like duck.  (Yes, I have had the real thing before.)  You tasted like garlic.  And chili pepper.  And the strangest hint of…not quite cinnamon…but some other warm spice.

Phone...  You say "memory full", right when I'm in the middle of recording something in a session.  How do you think my brain feels, hm?  And you call yourself a smartphone…

Meteorite showers...  I'm so glad you're a several-times-a-year kind of thing.  Hopefully next time I'll be able to see more.  (Last week I didn't get much of a show at all.  Too many lights on in the neighborhood.)

Anne-with-an-e Shirley...  I feel that you and I (or at least my younger self) would have certainly been kindred spirits.  It's a royal shame I lived twenty-three years before making your acquaintance.

Nail polish remover...  Goodness, you kill cockroaches even faster than the cockroach spray.  Makes me wonder if I should be putting you on my nails.  (An explanation of that discovery is probably in order.  I had to smash a cockroach in my bedroom, so I grabbed the nearest non-breakable object I could find.  The top came off the bottle and some of it spilled on the floor, resulting in instant death for the cockroach.  "Hey, I like this!")

Baygon spray...  Oh, it's so good to have you back.  I was seriously a basket case without you.  (As in, close to tears several times when I walked into the kitchen and had to smash, instead of spray, the myriad of cockroaches.)

"Best brownies" recipe...  Yeah, I know you think that title makes you numero uno in the world of brownies.  Never heard of "the perfect brownie" recipe, eh?  It's found in "The Perfect Cookbook".  (No, I'm not making that up.  It's a real book sitting on our shelf back home.)  And those really are THE perfect brownies.  One day I shall write an ode to them.  (Because I have so much time for that sort of thing, you know.)

Neighbors cooking dinner...  I don't know what you were making, but it smelled like split-pea-and-ham soup.  I'm pretty sure that's not what it was, but…

Neighbors playing what sounded like worship music…  I couldn't hear the words, but the familiar style was enough to make me happy.

Snoring neighbors...  Yes, I can hear you.  Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!

Neighbors stomping and cheering wildly...  Let me guess.  Wrestling match on TV?

Apparently klutzy neighbors...  Could you please stop dropping pots, pans and other heavy objects…at midnight???

Neighbors with the barking dog...  I love dogs, but sometimes I reach my limits and I just want to shoot that creature!  Of course, if I was a dog and cooped up on the tiny patio all the time, I'd probably bark incessantly too.  But I'm not a dog.  And I'll just stop there.

Neighbors...  About your collective noise level: When I have a headache – or simply want to rest – it's nearly impossible.  And that makes me a little crazy.  Like, "ARGH!  There's nowhere I can go to get away from noise!!"  On a positive note, because y'all are so loud, I don't feel the least bit guilty about singing my heart out or playing music…unquietly.