Diary of a Cockroach Killer

I dedicate this post to Gramps, who was the inspiration for both the title and content.

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There are things you just know you're born to do, and then there are things you do, causes you take on, because you have to.  I don't consider myself one of those people who was just born to be a cockroach killer.  I do it because, "All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing."  I choose to see my battle with cockroaches as a small representation of the cosmic battle between good and evil.  This is what keeps me going when things get tough.

Here, then, is an account of my day-to-day life as a cockroach killer, my failures and triumphs.  Veni, vidi, smashi.

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5/15/14:
Dear Diary,

Today is a day that will live in infamy.  Though I have always hated cockroaches in any shape, size, or place in my house (or outside my house, for that matter), there was a measure of relief in knowing there was one place I'd never seen them: my bed.  I told myself at least a hundred times that the day I found a cockroach in my bed was the day I would throw in the towel for good and go home to stay.
If I was superstitious, I'd say today was jinxed.  But I'm not, so I'll just say it was a crazy kind of day.  Needless to say, after everything else, I was fed up with cockroaches (which on this particular day, happened to be everywhere - the kitchen, the dining room, the hall, the bathroom, the bedroom floor, the walls).  When I finally walked back to my room to get ready for bed - completely exhausted - I pulled the covers back and there...was a cockroach.  I was unprepared for this desecration.  The thing moved too fast for me to kill it - or rather, I had nothing at hand to use as a weapon.
I didn't want to go to bed after that.
So I did the most mature thing I could think of: I cried.

Love,
Rachel

5/16/14:
Dear Diary,

Today - a new day.  And a new cockroach in my bed.  (Or was it the same one?)  This time I was prepared for the possibility.  I didn't cry.  I squashed.  I won.  I flicked the vile thing off my bed and stared at the motionless carcass with triumph.

Love,
Rachel

5/17/14:
Dear Diary,

Can't a girl even watch a movie in peace?  I was minding my own business (which is usually what I prefer to do...I don't go looking for trouble), and there were several cockroaches that ran across the floor or the coffee table next to me.  So I had to interrupt my movie in an attempt to eliminate said cockroaches, but was unsuccessful.
Living with the constant possibility of cockroaches has given me lightening-fast reflexes, but fortunately (for my computer) I kept them in check this particular time.  The unfortunate part being, of course, that the villains could escape.
Cockroaches win this round.

Love,
Rachel

5/18/14:
Dear Diary,

Though I was disgusted, I was no longer surprised to find a cockroach in my bed.  I pulled the sheets off and shook them out, but didn't find it.  There is a price on your disgusting head, cockroach.
I will not be defeated.  I will fight.  For peace and justice - and a world free of cockroaches (which is pretty much the same thing).

Love,
Rachel


5/20/14:
Dear Diary,

I woke up and felt something in the sheets. Sure enough, it was a cockroach.  Gross.  But I congratulated myself for inadvertently squashing it while I slept (thanks, no doubt, to my massive size).

Love,
Rachel


5/21/14:
Dear Diary,

The electricity went out for the second evening in a row.  I had a bit of momentary panic (well, not really panic, just worry about losing everything in my freezer if it stayed off too long).  I reassured myself by rehearsing how only twice have I been without power for more than 24 hours, and turned my attention to finishing my dinner in the semi-dark of candle light.
Candle-lit dinners are hardly relaxing or romantic when you're sharing the table with cockroaches.  I didn't bite into anything crunchy, though, so I assume they stayed off my plate.

Love,
Rachel


5/23/14:
Dear Diary,

I went to get change for the bus out of my backpack this morning, and horror of horrors!  There was a cockroach in my backpack.  I grabbed the bag it had crawled into, dumped the contents on the kitchen table, and smashed the disgusting insect.  "I win this round! HA!"

Love,
Rachel