Embracing Small

It may have been back in October (thanks to a book club) that I started thinking about small.  Or maybe it really started before then, when I came back to the States.

In the midst of all the transitions and the uncertainty of what I'd be doing in the future, I suppose it was only normal that I'd be asking myself a lot of questions.  Like, Who am I?  What is God up to?  How does my life tie in with His big plan?  What am I supposed to be doing?  Why did He bring me back?

These aren't the kind of questions that you can really leave on the surface.  They touch right to the core of everything: who God is and who we are.

God is big and amazing and so far beyond our ability to comprehend fully.  I'd seen that time and time again over the last couple years.  And I guess to the degree we understand God as big, we'll start to see ourselves as small.

Which is uncomfortable and difficult and confusing.  Among other things.

So there I was, aware of my big God with His big plan, and I was two shreds away from branding myself an utter failure, a girl without a clear direction, saddled with more questions than answers, unsure of who I really was after all that.

I guess I half-expected that He would respond by restoring my confidence, by giving me a renewed passion or vision.

Instead...nothing.

I think He was waiting until my heart stopped its frantic questioning, until I was still and deeply empty.

And in the emptiness, He whispered His truth: small was exactly who I was supposed to be.  I didn't have to be big and do great things for Him and have an amazing ministry.  He never intended for me to aim for big.  Just the opposite.  He created me small, unimpressive, ordinary - like a clay pot - because He is big and capable and the story is about Him.  After years of nearly crushing expectations for myself, I started realizing I was free to be unimpressive and let God be God.

Suppose my little things never become big things?  Suppose the ministry He gives me never impacts more than handfuls of people?  Suppose I don't have dramatic experiences or impressive stories in serving Him?

It's actually okay.  Because my hope stands squarely on who He is.  My joy comes from accepting - embracing - my own smallness and resting in the One who's got this all.

Small is more than okay.  It's wonderful.