The Answer

Sometimes things hit you unexpectedly.

I was working on my newsletter last Friday, just writing the simplest of paragraphs about my visit to Senegal, when I suddenly realized that, in spite of my last blog post, I hadn't entirely processed the trip.

These questions started to surface -
Why had the prospect of going back been such a tremendous struggle?  Why, since I moved last summer, has West Africa and those two years I spent there been such a raw, tender spot?  Why did it feel that way even after I settled into a new ministry that I sincerely loved?

Because, I realized, it was a loss...and grieving (even though maybe I hadn't identified it as such) is a normal thing that follows a loss.

It sounds melodramatic to say it that way, I know, and I apologize.  But you understand how big a part of me this was.

I'd spent well over fifteen years of my life imagining, planning for, training and working towards this ("this" being serving the Lord overseas).  When I landed in Senegal back in August 2013, I fully expected to spend the next thirty-or-so years of my life there.  My whole purpose and identity was wrapped up in the idea that I'd be doing just that.

After two short years, it all seemed to vanish when I set foot on that Delta flight to JFK.

I came back scared of the great unknown.  A mental canvas, once colorfully painted with scenes of life in Africa, now loomed large and inescapable in front of me - and to my horror, it was entirely blank.

There was nothing left to look at - nothing or no one, that is, but God.  And, in looking at Him, I started to see: He actually is enough.  He is good.  He is faithful and perfect and He can be trusted.

It was an odd answer to so many prayers I'd prayed.  I'd prayed to know Him better.  To walk closer with Him.  To find my identity in Him alone.  To cling to Him and nothing. else.

I just never intended the journey to look this way.

C.S. Lewis wrote: “You can’t analyze God.  He is too awesome, too big, too mysterious.  I know now, Lord, why You utter no answer.  You Yourself are the answer.”

I find myself nodding amen to that.  I don't have life's path all figured out now, don't have a plan for the next ten years, don't have answers to so many questions that could still be asked.
The funny thing is, it doesn't matter so much to me anymore.
Because instead of answers, I have Him.

Him -
the God I've gotten to know so much better through of all this
the God who held me in His arms when I cried in fear or emptiness or grief
the God who led me, who walked with me through every high and every low on this road.

I've never been alone once.  He's been an even more incredible companion then I could have ever imagined.  Yes, I knew He was God, and of course God's amazing, but merely knowing the truth isn't the same as experiencing the truth and embracing it with everything you have.

So I look back at this crazy journey.  It boggles me a bit, just how very different it looks than...anything I pictured.  But I know this is Him.  His work.  His hand in my life.  And I love Him for it.