Here I Am, Lord

July 2, 2002.

Fifteen years ago today, I told God I'd go wherever He called me.

For as long as I could remember, I'd wanted to be a missionary.  The desire was sparked both by stories I read - starting with Missionary Stories and the Millers - and by the real-life missionaries I knew.  But in 2001, a news story brought a harsh reality and forced me to re-examine my desire.

"Two Killed as Missionary Plane is Shot Down in Peru," the headlines read.

Peru, the country my best friend and her family were heading to serve in.  This brought it all too close to home.

I wrestled for months - in my own young way - over whether I still wanted to be a missionary.  I wanted to count the cost, and that wasn't something to be done lightly.  This could be scary.  I might even die.  Was I willing to follow Him, even if it meant that?

The day came when God's call to me became unmistakably clear.  I remember as if it were yesterday, remember kneeling down right then, and saying, "Yes, Lord, I'll go wherever You want me to go.  Here I am, Lord.  Send me."

Oh, what a journey it's been.

Very little of my life has gone how I envisioned it would when I told God Yes fifteen years ago.  I didn't imagine that following Him would lead to the emptiness, the not-enough-ness, the questions, the searching that it did.  I didn't imagine that after planning and preparing nearly my whole life to follow Him overseas, I'd spend two short years in Senegal and today be working in an office in the U.S.

Grace has surprised me in every conceivable way.  I've seen Him bigger, so much bigger, than my wildest imaginations.  I've watched Him keep a thousand promises.  My faith has been small and weak so often, but He has been steadfastly faithful.  He has gripped me in His hand - exactly like He said He would - even when I've had no strength to cling to Him or when I've tried to push Him away. Each change, each new season has been filled with grace-gifts that are rarely what I think I want but always exactly what I need.

And He has been here...

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God
You are faithful

Yes.  Yes.

Who knows what the future holds?

I don't, but I'm slowly learning to trust the God I said Yes to all those years ago.

He is big.
He is faithful.
He is oh, so good.  So very good.

What grace is mine.