Lately, I've been feeling the need to post something more substantial. Not that there's anything wrong with tree-climbing, rejoicing that I'm home, or a warning on espresso concentrate drips. But the Lord has been doing some cool things that I haven't sat down and shared with you.
To give you some background:
I've been always been a good girl. You know, the nice, respectable girl who never did drugs, never drank, never got into trouble with boys, never broke curfew…
I wanted to do everything right. I wanted to figure everything out. Have all my theological ducks in a row. Have my life in perfect order.
Oh, my life looked so good on the outside. (At least I thought it did.) Long skirts, long hair and head coverings, no jewelry, and no makeup. I didn't watch movies or listen to the "wrong" kind of music.
I had this idea that the closer I got to God, the more things I'd have figured out and the better my life would look. Though I would never, ever have said it, my attitude was something like this:
Of course we're saved by grace. Everybody who trusts God is His child, but God probably loves me just a wee bit more than some people I know. I'm more obedient. I'm special. I do those "extra" things that most people don't.
The idea that God somehow loved me more than certain other people made me a whole lot LESS loving. Well, actually, I was quite in love with my convictions, to the point that many times I had little love for others and little true love for the Lord.
Over the past year, He began to strip away some of those outward things I'd clung to as a measure of my spirituality. Like the Galatians, I had begun in the Spirit, but was trying to live every day by my own strength. All the things I did were so that I could maintain a "holy life" and enjoy God's favor. Self-righteousness is a subtle – and deadly – sin. How could I have been so very blind to God's daily grace for all those years? I wondered. I need His grace every bit as much as the next person. And it's been here for me all along. He wanted me to experience it, but I was too caught up with myself and my dos and don'ts. That realization turned my world upside down.
I won't lie: it's been painful in many ways. But it's been worth every single ounce of that pain. The relationship I now have with the Lord is deeper than it ever was before. There's still a lot of growing to do. But having tasted the freedom and joy that grace brings, I cannot fathom going back to "the way things were". Grace compels me, not to fearfully pull away, but to push forward towards a deeper relationship with the One who loves me so much more than I can understand.
In the end, whether or not I wear makeup or jewelry or head coverings or skirts doesn't matter all that much. That's not where the real issue lies (although I thought it was for a long time). The real issue is where my focus is. Is it on doing everything right, or is it on staying close to my loving Heavenly Father?
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Now I am walking away
From the life I once knew
And running into Your grace
That covers my shame
Again and again
- You Invite Me In
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." (Galatians 5:1)
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