[This post originally appeared on my NTM blog.]
God has been doing some cool things in my life over the past year, and I’d like to share them with you.
To give you some background: I’ve been always been a “good” girl. You know, the nice, respectable girl who never did drugs, never drank, never got into trouble with boys, never broke curfew…
I tried so hard to do everything right – to have everything figured out. I wanted my theological “ducks” all in a neat row.
On the outside, my life seemed completely above reproach. (At least I thought it did.) Long skirts, long hair and head coverings, no jewelry, no makeup. No movies or contemporary music. This was the kind of picture I was trying to portray to the world: I’ve got it all under control. No one can point a finger at me.
I had this idea that the closer I got to God, the more things I’d have figured out and the better my life would look. Though I would never have said it, this was my attitude:
Of course we’re saved by grace. Everybody who trusts God is His child, but God probably loves me just a wee bit more than some people I know. Sure, He loves everyone, but His biggest smiles of favor are reserved for people like me. I’m more obedient. I’m special. I do those “extra” things that most people don’t.
The idea that God somehow loved me more had the ironic effect of making me a lot LESS loving. While I had plenty of love and loyalty for my convictions, many times I had little love for others and little true love for the Lord. Good works had nothing to do with my salvation, but I fell into the fatal trap of trusting that they could keep me in favor with God.
Over the past year, He began to strip away some of those outward things I’d clung to as a measure of my spirituality. Like the Galatians, I had begun in the Spirit, but was trying to live every day in my own strength. All the things I did were so that I could maintain a “holy life” and enjoy God’s favor. Self-righteousness can be a very subtle sin – but it is no less deadly because of its subtlety.
How could I have been so very blind to God’s daily grace for all those years? I found myself wondering. I need His grace every bit as much as the next person. And it’s been here for me all along. He wanted me to experience it, but I was too caught up with myself and my dos and don’ts. That realization turned my world upside down.
I won’t lie: it’s been painful in many ways. But it’s been worth every single ounce of that pain. The relationship I now have with the Lord is deeper than it ever was before. There’s still a lot of growing to do. But having tasted the freedom and joy that grace brings, I can’t fathom going back to “the way things were”. Grace compels me, not to fearfully pull away, but to push forward towards a deeper relationship with the One who loves me so much more than I can understand.
In the end, whether or not I wear makeup or jewelry or head coverings or skirts doesn’t matter all that much. That’s not where the real issue lies (although I thought it was for a long time). The real issue is where my focus is. Is it on doing everything right, or is it on staying close to my loving Heavenly Father?
Grace, not my convictions and my endless efforts, is what draws me close to Him. Ultimately, it’s grace I want to share with those God calls me to serve (whether overseas or, for now, those in my own community). It changed my life. And it can change theirs, too.
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