I squirm because grace, by its nature, carries no price tag for me.
Deep in my heart I believe that I should work for what I have. Earn what I am given.
I don't want to be under obligation to someone else.
I'm allergic to the idea of taking advantage of another's generosity.
If you give me a job, I will put forth my best effort to be the perfect worker.
However noble all this sounds, I know my pride runs in a strong undercurrent beneath. I want you to know that I am worth what I get - be it gifts or wages.
The fact is, I can't work to earn what God has given me. Then it wouldn't be grace, Romans 11 tells me. But I so desperately want to. I think I need to. I push God's gift aside with a, "Thank You; now I'll get to work right away to make myself worth this gift."
And oh, how I try. But all my beautiful efforts and try-hard attitude fall flat, because I can never pay the price of that gift.
For two reasons. One, the cost is way too high. Infinite. Two? The price is not mine to pay.
When my parents hand me a camera for my birthday, I do not grab my purse and write them a check. It's a gift. They paid the price. I take the camera. I thank them. And then I enjoy that camera.
When my Heavenly Father hands me grace, I feel like it's too much. Too big. And I feel too small. The only way I know to feel less small is by working hard to earn His gift. Then I'll feel okay about accepting it.
To be honest, the idea that Someone knows me completely and yet chooses to love me unconditionally is enough to undo me. But that's what He does.
It's a gift. He paid the price.
So I take it. I feel desperately unworthy, and I am. I thank Him. I'm undone by this love, given so freely and so beautifully.
The Lord your God is with you,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)
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