[Disclaimer: There's a risk in sharing thoughts that aren't polished, that haven't had time to gel. But this is an area the Lord has been working on recently, and I wanted to share these thoughts - in part so that an earlier post doesn't get misunderstood, but mainly so I don't leave you with the wrong idea of what He's doing in my life right now.]
"Why am I here?" - People say when things get rough, you need to have a strong sense of purpose, of why, to keep you going. The bare truth is that, when it comes to this, I seem to have more questions than answers. (And if you're tempted to try to answer the question for me, please don't. I know the pat answers; I know the verses. But all that's hollow if it has mostly stayed up in one's head, not heart, for years and years.)
I shared that last week as a struggle. Since then I've done a lot of reflecting, and realized I could also have just as accurately described it as a gift. Not a rosy, lovely sort of gift, and not one I would have asked for, but a gift nonetheless.
Why a gift? Because the questions ("Why am I here? Is this really where He wants me?") aren't the result of losing track of my spiritual map and compass (the Word, the Spirit). Instead it's as if God is in the process of gently taking one thing after another from my hands until He is all I cling to. He's done a lot of that these past several years, but there's still more room for growth, and I think this experience is part of that process.
You see, I've come to realize there's a lot of things God isn't interested in...
He isn't interested in arm's-length theology. What I believe should change me. Not just what I say, but how I think, how I live, who I am.
He's not looking for a robot programmed to mindlessly parrot Bible verses when faced with difficult situations (whether in my own life or in the lives of others). The truth of His word is living, and using it as "pat answers" is both flippant and dangerous. Pat answers don't produce growth; in fact, they might even stifle it.
I don't even think He's ultimately interested in me holding onto "good things", like a calling to serve Him overseas. After all, it was busily-serving-Martha He rebuked, while He said Mary had chosen the one necessary thing: being close to Him. Perhaps for some of us, sitting at His feet comes much easier. For others, myself included, doing stuff - good stuff! - is the default.
When anything gets in the way of a living, breathing relationship with Him, He may have to take that thing away from us, even if it's good and noble and lovely.
And so that's where I find myself.
For years, I tied my identity to this missionary calling. Yes, Christ was in there too, but not front and center like He should be. Maybe He knew that my sense of calling needed to be taken away (temporarily, perhaps?) so that I would find my identity just in Him. So that I would learn to be okay if He were to take me in a completely different direction. So I'd learn that He is all I need.
One of the most special encouragements I've been given is this: "I'd be proud of you even if you were doing something completely different, because it's Christ in you that counts [not "being a missionary"]." Christ in me. That's what matters. That's what I need to remember. My location or title isn't the important thing - in fact, it means absolutely nothing apart from Him living in me.
So, yes, I think this is just as much a gift as a struggle. Remember Paul's thorn? Whatever it was, it made him look (or feel) weak. Maybe even foolish. But it was actually a gift, because in it, he discovered God's always-enough-ness. He discovered grace. And it changed him. Without the struggles, I imagine Paul's beliefs might have stayed on the surface. God used the struggles to work His truth deep into the very core of who Paul was.
I sense that's what He has in mind for me. Perhaps He'll give me back that strong sense of calling one day. Perhaps He wants me to simply keep taking another step and another in the same direction although I may not "feel" like it. Perhaps He has another path for me to take.
I don't know.
But maybe that's the point. Maybe this is all part of walking by faith and not sight. Maybe this is actually a huge grace-gift in the most unlikely of wrappings.
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