Dear _____,

Hand sanitizer that splashed in my mouth...  You don't taste good.  The end.

70-degree day...  You were cold enough to a wear a scarf and sweater.  And make chicken soup.  Cold, you see, is entirely relative...  (Oh, and I'm totally going to freeze my next California winter.)

Mardi Gras parade of dressed-up kids...  I'm trying to figure out why you have Santas driving your horse carts.  Maybe it's just me, but I thought Santa was more of a Christmas thing.

Lemongrass tea...  I'm still not sure how I feel about you, at least as a stand-alone flavor.  I've tried you hot, cold, sweetened, unsweetened, and still.  My taste buds aren't entirely convinced.

Tamarind tea...  You, on the other hand...I shamelessly judge you without even giving you a chance (read: a taste).  I know what tamarind tastes like, and I can't imagine liking a tea with that flavor.  So I turn up my nose every time I walk past you in the store.

Hats...  You know what?  I don't know what it is about you, but seriously every time I wear one, someone asks if I'm French.  No, I'm American, thank you very much!

Warthog...  If anyone had told me before coming that one day I'd actually think of you as a tasty treat, I'd have laughed at them.  But I actually do enjoy you.

T-shirt selling guy...  I'm not sure if you thought giving me a discount would convince me to be your second wife.  You could give me the store and I'd still say no.

Mont d'Or episode [on a food program]...  As much as I love cheese, I found you a tad over the top.  Or, rather, I found the two French guys over the top.  "You mustn't cook it," the one said to the other, "you must melt it gently.  Cheeses, they're sensitive souls."  Really.

Store with trees painted (yes, painted!) pink and red for Valentine's Day...  Tacky, tacky, tacky!

Guy carrying a fluffy white dog like a chicken...  I'd like to know the story behind that.  Was he your pet?  Did he run away?  Or, heaven forbid, did you buy him in the market for dinner?

Packet of cockroach powder...  You're basically a twenty-cent miracle.  Or twenty-cent ticket to sanity.  Seven months later and I have only seen a couple cockroaches in my place during all that time.

Rice lady...  We like you.  We like your food.  We especially like Mafé Mondays.  So that one day when you told us, "No, sorry, it's tomato sauce today," we were quite disappointed.  You let us go back and forth in English for a bit, then you admitted that you were only pulling our leg.  Whew.  Good thing, 'cause we really had our hearts set on mafé!

Your Story Hour...  The girls and I used to listen to you when we were little.  Like, all the time.  It was fun to re-discover you online the other night.

Guy peeking out of the back of a semi-truck...  You know, you totally look like a stowaway.  Like you're not supposed to be there.  Like you're hiding from something.  But you made me laugh.