Whose Story?

I'm sitting here at my great aunt and uncle's in Maryland, up far too late for as much as I've been yawning.

A month ago I was on another continent.  I've been in seven different states since then.  (More about the trip when I get back next week.)  Seven.  It makes my head spin a little.

In each new place, there were new people, and each new person I'd meet seemed to ask the same question, "So, what are you doing now that you're back from Africa?"

I can't fault them for asking.  It's a perfectly logical question.

It's also a question I've really been struggling with at this point, one that makes my mind want to go in about a million and one different directions at once -

The past.
The future.
The topsy-turvy present.
Guilt about being back in the States when there are so many needs overseas.
Wondering if I did the right thing in coming back.
Wondering whether there's a ministry that would be a good fit for me with NTM in the States...and whether I'll ever feel like I fully "belong" here - or any other place - again.
Fretting over the next steps, support level, a possible move (again!), and what I might be doing in two or three years.
Worrying what people will say or think about this whole thing...

Like, there was this church that wanted me to come give a report sometime after I got back.  And I'm thinking, What in the world am I going to talk about?!!  People expect missionary reports to be either a) stories of all the great things the missionary has done or b) the great things the missionary plans to do.

I haven't done great things in Africa.

And, for the immediate future, it doesn't look like I will be doing any great things in Africa.

My story feels so uninteresting, so unremarkable, so perilously close to...well...a failure.

I guess it would be, if it was supposed to be my story.  You know, the kind that would get written in a nice collection of missionary stories for children.

But it's not.

It's actually God's.

I know.  How many times have I said that?  It's God's story and He's the Hero.

I read through the Bible and I know it's never about Moses or Joshua or Daniel or Paul.  I know they're not the heroes.  But when it comes to my own life?  Sure, I know I'm somehow part of God's story, not the other way around, but...

So many voices clamor over the voice of truth.

I don't know what I want.

I don't know what He wants.

And I panic.

The other day I gave a friend the full benefit of one of my not-so-little freak-out moments.  What in the world am I doing here and where am I going to go and who am I even, after all this?!  She told me that one day, I was going to look back on this time and be able to see what God was doing.

Part of me wants to wait until I have this all figured out.  Till I can tell you what I'm going to be doing.  Where and how I'm going to be serving.

But something else whispers that if I wait, I might be missing the entire point.  That maybe my desire to wait for things to settle into place before I open my mouth and talk about it (or sit down at the computer and write about it) is akin to pulling a curtain over an unfolding story.  God's unfolding story.

So here I am.  Still scared.  Still overwhelmed.  Still lying awake nights thinking about what the next six months or so is going to hold. 

It's all kind of a mess, not neat and tidy like I want my stories to be.

A friend had this song playing on repeat the other day, and one line struck me.  It's been running through my mind ever since -

To tell you my story is to tell of Him...

So I guess all my mess and unknowns are okay, 'cause in the end it isn't really even my story.  This is His story.  And He's the greatest Story Writer of all.