Embracing Small

It may have been back in October (thanks to a book club) that I started thinking about small.  Or maybe it really started before then, when I came back to the States.

In the midst of all the transitions and the uncertainty of what I'd be doing in the future, I suppose it was only normal that I'd be asking myself a lot of questions.  Like, Who am I?  What is God up to?  How does my life tie in with His big plan?  What am I supposed to be doing?  Why did He bring me back?

These aren't the kind of questions that you can really leave on the surface.  They touch right to the core of everything: who God is and who we are.

God is big and amazing and so far beyond our ability to comprehend fully.  I'd seen that time and time again over the last couple years.  And I guess to the degree we understand God as big, we'll start to see ourselves as small.

Which is uncomfortable and difficult and confusing.  Among other things.

So there I was, aware of my big God with His big plan, and I was two shreds away from branding myself an utter failure, a girl without a clear direction, saddled with more questions than answers, unsure of who I really was after all that.

I guess I half-expected that He would respond by restoring my confidence, by giving me a renewed passion or vision.

Instead...nothing.

I think He was waiting until my heart stopped its frantic questioning, until I was still and deeply empty.

And in the emptiness, He whispered His truth: small was exactly who I was supposed to be.  I didn't have to be big and do great things for Him and have an amazing ministry.  He never intended for me to aim for big.  Just the opposite.  He created me small, unimpressive, ordinary - like a clay pot - because He is big and capable and the story is about Him.  After years of nearly crushing expectations for myself, I started realizing I was free to be unimpressive and let God be God.

Suppose my little things never become big things?  Suppose the ministry He gives me never impacts more than handfuls of people?  Suppose I don't have dramatic experiences or impressive stories in serving Him?

It's actually okay.  Because my hope stands squarely on who He is.  My joy comes from accepting - embracing - my own smallness and resting in the One who's got this all.

Small is more than okay.  It's wonderful.

Q & A: NTBI

So, you're at the Bible Institute.  What are you doing there?
My official role at this point is "guest hospitality coordinator".  Basically I'm supposed to run the guest house.

What does a day look like?
A lot of different things!  I book the rooms, oversee the cleaning (which is done by students), and buy any supplies needed (whether it be cleaning products, paper towels, or new sheets).  Right now there's also just a lot of learning how to do things, getting familiar with the system, updating documents, and stuff like that.  I'd say probably about half the evenings of the week have involved hanging out with people, and the other half I try to work on house or personal projects.

Where do you live?
I live in the school building right now, on the girls' floor.  I have my own apartment with a bedroom, living area, and kitchen (and tons of amazing storage space, which makes me so happy!).  Bathroom/showers are down the hall.

How's the weather?
Cold!  I had heard it was a much milder winter than usual, so I wasn't entirely prepared for how few days it has gotten above freezing.  We've had some snow, but not necessarily any really big storms.  Yet.

Do you have a church?
Yes!  Pretty much.  I'd visited this church twice when I'd stayed with Esther before, and at this point I'm planning to continue attending.

Overall, how's the transition been?
It's been really good so far.  I'm still learning my way around town, and I haven't entirely gotten into a routine yet, but for the most part, I'm feeling settled.  I'll admit there are times when my head feels like an overstuffed filing cabinet of names and faces (or even questions or ideas), but I'm sure that will lessen over time.

What are some things you love about being there?
People!  Oh my goodness, it makes my heart so happy that there are so many people to get to know. I can choose a different table to sit at every day for lunch and find people I haven't gotten to talk to yet.  The sheer possibility!  And the fact that discipleship and community (two things very important to me) are just waiting for me literally right outside my door.  And finally having a place to settle into after being in an in-between stage for so long.  And the snow.  It feels like being in a movie or something...so peaceful and serene and just so outside of most of my life's experience.  And having friends on staff and a girl from my home church here as a student.  So fun!

What are your long term plans?  Is this going to be your ministry for the next 10 years, or is it merely a stepping stone for something else?
No idea!  And actually, for one of the first times in my life, I'm totally okay with that.  In the past, it has been a struggle to settle when I knew I'd be moving in a year or two (which has been the story of much of the past six years).  But on the flip side, I also struggled to hold my plans for the future loosely and accept that while God might have me somewhere today it didn't automatically mean that He'd have me in that same place five years down the road.  All that to say, I really don't know His long term plan for me, but this is going to be home until He shows me otherwise!

What have you learned in the past several years that has helped with this new chapter?
One - embracing where God has put me is one of the biggest keys to joy. Noticing His gifts - having a thankful heart - is another key to joy.  Two - don't waste time looking for perfection.  In church, in relationships, in the home, anywhere.  I missed so many opportunities before because I was waiting for a more ideal whatever-it-was or till I felt more put-together.  When I stopped expecting perfection, it freed me to actually, well...live.  Three - (and this kind of goes along with the last one) don't be afraid of the messy.  That's realm where grace operates.  Move towards people, even when they're a mess or I'm unsure of what they need.  God's grace is enough.  Allow people in, even when I'm in the middle of something or my sink is full of dishes or I'm feeling scattered and not-enough.  God's grace is enough.  Four - God's got this.  I so do not need to try to control things, because He is entirely in control and entirely capable of handling everything.  I can rest in that.  Five - no matter what life brings, His love is so big and incredible and tenacious that nothing can ever separate me from Him.  Nothing, nothing, nothing!

What are some prayer requests?
Good relationships with staff and students.  Wisdom in priorities and how to manage my time.  Good sleep, good quiet times, good routines.  A brain that would quickly absorb the things I need to learn.  Reliance on God for everything.  And safety for those times when I need to drive in the snow...

Remembering

Sometimes I look out the window at this snow-globe world of mine and wonder, Is this all for real?

African music playing is playing on Pandora and I'm thinking back to a year ago when I was walking to French class every day.  And then I think about how life looks now and all the cool people there are to get to know and how much I'm enjoying my job so far.

Thankfulness for being here sits side by side in my heart with a homesickness for West Africa.  It'll be that way for a while, I think.  Maybe always.

But how undeservingly rich am I?  I look at the experiences and the friends God has given me, the things He's has brought me through, the lessons He's taught me, the grace He's simply flooded me with this past year, and words fall short.

I can't pretend it's been easy.  Or that I've kept my eyes on Jesus every moment.

But in spite of me He is good and He's heaped up blessings on top of blessings till I can hardly hold them all.

So...I pause and remember how full life is because of Him.

Life Outside the Box{es}

Have I really been here a week?

And am I really here?!

It was just about a year ago that I started realizing God was nudging me back to the States.  At that point I hadn't much inkling of what exactly lay ahead for me (a roller coaster ride?).  Even when I got back in July, I really didn't know what I'd be doing, but I started looking at different possibilities with NTM USA.

After six months in no-man's land (well, technically it was my home assignment after two years on the field...), I am so happy to be moving onto the next thing.  I prayed for guidance so many times and sometimes it felt like there'd never be an answer, but at last...here I am.

And I'm honestly so thrilled to be here.  The journey that brought me to this point has showed me over and over that God is big.  Amazing.  Faithful.  Crazy good.  So I'm sitting at the edge of my seat right now, hardly able to wait for how He's going to write this next chapter.

I'm not always going to remember, I know.

Sometimes I'll listen to fear.

Sometimes I'm going to fight Him.

Sometimes it's all going to seem foggy and gray instead of sunny clear.

But.

That's okay.

Because He's still big and amazing and good and totally faithful whether or not I remember.

There's a hand still holding me
Even when I don't believe it

That much I've learned already.

- - -

And now, let's get to the pictures from the last 3+ weeks.

Christmas.  The only picture I took that day.  Lame, I know.

It's weird, it didn't feel like Christmas.  It was a good family time (although we missed Beck and my cousin Ben), but it just didn't seem like Christmas.  I don't know why.

Anyway, I'm glad for the time we had to eat and talk and watch a movie and just be together.

- - -

Packing.  I dare not say much more, lest I traumatize myself with the memories.

I'm pretty sure every box I brought with me had at least one green and one brown thing.  You'd think I liked those colors or something.

- - -

California has had an unusually cold winter - in our area, it got below freezing repeatedly (which is very rare for us).

Cool frost, huh?  Also, our backyard has started sprouting mushrooms.  Not good.  (It's usually a sign that lawn is too damp and/or not properly aerated.)  But at least the make for a couple interesting shots.

- - -

So I rolled in here last Sunday night, after a six-day trip.  The weather was beautiful nearly the whole time (HUGE answer to prayer), I got to see friends along the way, and I checked Nebraska, Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and Ohio off my list (which brings me to a grand total of 23 states).  The whole trip just went very smoothly, which I was super thankful for.

However, I was more than happy to be out of the car and to sleep in "my own bed".  Even if that bed was new to me. :)

I started unpacking a bit when I got in, and the apartment looked like tornado country.  (Trust me, this wasn't the worst of it.  There's a reason why there's no picture of the bedroom.)

But things took shape, and happily by the next afternoon all was unpacked and home-y feeling.

Mom gave me a coffee sampler for Christmas - a brilliant gift, I must say - and so Monday morning I was able have a cup before tackling the rest of the unpacking.

You know three things that make a place feel like home to me (after moving)?  Lighting a candle, brewing that first cup of coffee, and putting up my favorite-ever picture frame.  It's like my heart sighs a happy sigh after all that.

Hello, Monday.

Hello, powdered sugar snow!

And hello, little home. :)

It's small and simple, but it's cozy, and it has amazing storage!  After my apartment in Senegal, I was a bit surprised to find that a place this size could have so much storage space: all those kitchen cabinets (and I don't even have them all filled - the luxury!), a pantry, a built-in glass-doored cabinet, and a closet in the bedroom.  Will wonders never cease?!

Take a look around.

That little pitcher is possibly one of my favorite thrift store finds of all times.  So. cute.  And green.  (Of course, green!)

There's the built in cabinet, with all my dishes and pots and such.

Baskets.  They're my one weakness.

A door!  Perhaps it leads to Narnia!

Or perhaps not.

You want to know how many times I've been to Walmart in since being here?  Four.   Yes, four.  In one week.  It was hard to know what all I'd need to buy right off the bat, and also...bringing a trunk load of groceries up three flights of stairs is a bit of work, so it was easier just to make a couple smaller runs than try to get everything at once.



This may not seem like that exciting of a find, but I discovered this stuff in Missouri and loved throwing it in beans.  I don't recall seeing it back home (maybe I didn't look hard enough?), though, so I was quite pleased that the Walmart here carried it.

Here's the bedroom.

Top of the action packer = temporary bookshelf.

There's my favorite picture frame, on top of the dresser.  I love everything about it.  The rustic wood-and-iron frame, the sepia-toned picture, the place it was taken, the girls standing on either side of me.  It's gone everywhere with me.

I quite like my new little place.

- - -

Life being life, there's been new-but-less-happy stuff too.

My grandpa passed away the night before I left on the drive out here - the first grandparent I've lost.  We don't know for sure if he was trusting fully in Jesus' work or in his own when he died.  That makes it so much harder.

People I loved - and still love - walked away from Jesus.  Left the church, threw out the Bible, said Jesus is all a hoax.  And now the last little shred of a relationship with them I was trying to hold onto is over.  What in the world do you even do?

In the midst of the move and the transition, it's been difficult to process much, but I realize I don't entirely know how to deal with these griefs.

I know grace is the answer somehow.  I don't know what it's supposed to look like, or exactly what it means for these situations, but I do know it's there.  He's there.

Somehow knowing that I don't need to do more than come, snuggle up in His love, and let Him be God is a comfort.  Even in all of this.