On Writing

I've been enamored with words since I began talking.  I've loved writing for as long as I've been able to put a pen to paper.

And I used to have such grand dreams.  Like writing a book, or perhaps a few.

When I came back from West Africa, I even considered taking a writing job at HQ.  Praying through that decision - and eventually sensing God leading me towards the Bible Institutes - caused me to really stop and evaluate my ideas on the subject, on what part writing played in my life.  How God wants to see it playing out in my life.

And I realized that while God may have wired me with a desire to write, it's not ultimately my identity and He never intends it to be the all-consuming passion I live for.  It shouldn't be something I'm forever trying to push to the forefront.

I can simply...write.

Here.  I may never write a book.  Or articles for some Missions magazine.  This blog may never have a crazy-big following.  And that's okay.  God has been teaching me - in so many areas of life - that small and unimpressive is actually a good place to be.

It's freeing.

There's less pressure to "get it right".  (Although I freely admit that typos remain the bane of my existence.  Case in point: I sent out an email earlier this afternoon with "a" instead of "an", and the horror is still looming large in my head.)  Perfection is an elusive dream and chasing it is horribly unsatisfying.

God can take simple reflections, a story from the heart, an honest admission of failure, and use them somehow.  He doesn't promise He'll use the small offerings we give Him for great and big things. They might just be for other small things.  For quiet, inner work.  Maybe to encourage just one other person in an ordinary Monday kind of struggle.

You know the funny thing about it all?  It feels so much more enjoyable to write from this place.  All the lessons that God has been teaching my heart in the last year seem to be coming to the surface now and spilling out into lots of blog posts.  Not effortlessly, but much more...organically.  Which, I suppose, is how it ought to be anyway.

When the Honeymoon Ends

Two weeks ago I had a funky Monday, which turned out to be the beginning of a funky week.  Not bad per se, just weird.  I felt pulled in several different directions, was fumbling over some tasks, and was functioning on far less sleep than advisable.  

By Friday, this realization had surfaced: I think I'm past the honeymoon phase now.

I can't say I ever had a honeymoon phase in Senegal, where everything seemed rosy and I was walking around with my head in the clouds, just thrilled to be there.  But my first two months here definitely felt that way.  That week I noticed a definite shift.

Not a bad one.  An inevitable - and, dare I say necessary - one.  I don't expect to live my whole life and ministry up in the clouds, feeling overwhelmingly enthusiastic about it every moment.  Real life is raw and rough and messy at times; and that's okay.  The honeymoon may be over, but that doesn't mean I dislike things or that I wish myself elsewhere.  I'm still deeply grateful to be here - even grateful, however odd it may sound, to live with the reality of ministry and all its tensions, challenges, and ordinary-ness.

However, I knew that coming off such a "high" might leave me with a temptation to be discouraged or to complain, so I had to very intentionally note blessings that God was giving me.  Little gifts.  Big gifts.

Here are some from the last two weeks:

- My car is (finally) insured and officially registered here.  The process took nearly two months, so I was very thankful to have that taken care of at last.

- My new driver's license came in the mail - hurray!  And, bonus!  The picture actually looks like me, instead of that dreadful one from seven years ago.

- Avocados for less than $1 at the store

- Tickets for a visit to Senegal this summer.  So. excited.

- A free evening to build a puzzle

- Late-night conversations with friends

- Birds singing in the morning - such a happy sound to wake up to!

- Skyping with Sarah and Malachi
- An evening of Cranford with two of my favorite people
- Praying together with different student girls
- African Autumn lattes with a friend

- Rainy days

- Chats with friends from Senegal
- No-bakes and company for working on projects

- Completed taxes (oh blessed relief!)

- Warmer temperatures that are perfect for walks after work

- Free bacon!  What a treat.  (Thank you, Martha!)

- A deeply challenging and convicting message this morning at church

- Two little bookshelves.  They're the first pieces of furniture I've ever bought!  Every place I've lived as an adult has been a temporary (two years or less) arrangement, so I've always just basically rented furniture or used furniture provided for me.  Yesterday was rather a milestone in that regard.

- New houseplants, a birthday gift from Michelle.  Thank you, friend!  You know me well enough to know how happy they make me.

- Baskets half-off at Michael's (see them lined up on the shelves?)

- New books to read.  I've only gotten a few chapters into each, and they're already wonderful.  They are cutting very deeply into layers of thinking that need to be changed.  I feel so raw and undone reading them, knowing that God is speaking to me, wanting to stretch and grow me.  So painful.  But so, so good.

...And I'm sure that list could be twice as long.  God has been so good to me.  In everything.

On Busyness

Busyness.

 

I both love it and hate it.

 

More than strong feelings, though, I want to have a good perspective on busyness.  God's perspective on busyness.

 

I think our society has an obsession with busyness.  Even in (and maybe especially in) Christian circles it's glorified.

 

Being busy is supposedly evidence that we are valuable and important.  So we try to stay busy because we want to feel valuable.  We want everybody to know how busy we are.  (How many conversations go like this, "Hey, how are you doing these days?"  "Oh, fine, you know.  I'm doing x, y, and z."  "Oh, wow!  You're so busy!"  "Yeah...")  We encourage others to do a lot because it's a good thing, right?

Or is it?

 

I've been asking the Lord to change my thinking in this area, because it's one I've always struggled with.  In my horror and fear of laziness (or the mere accusation of laziness), I've thrown myself headlong into busyness...only to find this tangle actually pulls me away from the Lord.  Even if it's doing good stuff.  Even if I think it's for Him.

 

This busyness (i.e. the things I do) has slowly morphed into who I am.  Or more accurately, who I think I am.  The girl who teaches Sunday School, the girl who studies French, the girl who cooks and cleans and listens and a hundred other things.

 

But I'm not.  That's just what I do (or did).  No, I am the girl desperately in need of grace, the girl who is loved so lavishly by God.

 

This isn't just philosophical.  This isn't just theology to throw around.  This is truth and it should affect our lives - my life

 

I can't find my identity or security in busyness.  I shouldn't even be looking there.  My identity is in Christ.  My security is in the fact that I'm loved by Him no matter what or how much I do.  That means when some voice keeps whispering that I should do more, try harder, make sure I'm grabbing every opportunity that comes my way...that voice is not from God.

 

It goes even further.  I need to stop cramming my schedule and my mind to its limit, or rattling off everything I'm doing as if I'm trying to impress people.  I don't need to be uncomfortable if there are times when I'm not busy.  When I don't have things planned.  Sometimes, perhaps just being is exactly what God would like for me.  (Remember how Mary sat at Jesus' feet instead of helping Martha serve?  He said one thing is necessary, and that Mary had chosen that one thing.)

 

Of course, the flip side is that I don’t need to freak out in the busyness.  There will be seasons like that - I can accept it and know that it won't always be that way.  To paraphrase one of my favorite authors, even in those times, I can sit down - at least on the inside - and trust Jesus to live through me.

That's a big struggle for me.  But I'm thankful that God is such a patient teacher.

Thoughts On Contentment

Just a couple brief reflections on contentment.

"...I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty.  I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Philippians 4:11-12)

I’m becoming more and more convinced that this is a key mark of maturity: contentment in every circumstance.  I think it’s difficult to have that attitude in both plenty and need.  For myself, when things are a little tight, I tend to pray about it (okay, so sometimes my praying is more like freaking out to the Lord a bit), but when I have plenty…oddly enough, contentment can be a struggle.  I think I feel guilty somehow.  Like I want to tell God, “No thanks” to abundant provision.  “Just give me only what I need!”  But contentment is an attitude of acceptance, of joy and gratitude in what God has given – whether little or much.

"...Godliness with contentment is great gain." (1 Timothy 6:6)

A character of contentment is worth more than all the things we could accumulate.  "Great gain", Paul says.  That convicted me – I should be pursuing developing this kind of character more than I pursue anything material (even if they are good and useful things).

"...If we have food and clothing, we will be content with that." (1 Timothy 6:8)

Notice how basic Paul’s condition for contentment is?  Food and clothing.  That’s it.  Now compare that to what our society tells we “need” in order to be happy.  Food for thought, isn’t it.

"Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.'" (Hebrews 13:5)

And here’s the bottom line, our motivation.  Why should we ever be discontent when God Himself – who is all we need – has promised to be with us all the time?

A final thought: how do contentment and hope fit together?  Can we be truly content right now and yet still hope and pray that at some point in the future, God will give us things (or relationships or experiences or whatever) we don’t yet have?  What do you think?

The Empty-Full Paradox

Life isn't always what you expect it to be.

When I was in West Africa, I expected a sense of fullness.  How could the realization of such a seemingly wonderful, God-centered dream not fill me with joy and purpose and passion?  But...it didn't.  My first year-and-a-half there was one of the very emptiest times of my life.

In contrast, had I seen through the halls of time to the day I'd be serving in the States, I would have expected to feel very empty, as though I'd lost my purpose.  I think you know I don't feel that way here.  It seems like life is just simply overflowing and I can't hold it all in.

I laugh.  It's just so backwards.  And yet I see God's fingerprints in this paradox.  It was grace that emptied me and allowed me to see - as one of my teachers back at MTC called it - the weight of my not-enough-ness.  It was grace that brought me to the end of myself, to meet the Lord in that place of need.  And it's grace that heaps my arms up with blessings here at a place I never would have imagined myself in or asked to be in.

That's my empty-full paradox.

But beyond the paradox, I've come to believe I am emptied to be filled...filled to overflowing with His grace that never runs out.

And Then There Were Pictures...

After weeks of picture-less reflections, here's a long overdue post that's heavy on pictures (phone pictures, but still) and light on words.

Work -

Sometimes it looks like sorting through a big ol' pile of guest house towels. 

Sometimes it looks like digging for fossils sorting through storage cabinets to create an inventory of what we actually have for the guest house...

...and decide what we should probably get rid of.  (Like this toaster that was over twenty years old and in dubious condition.)

This is my office.  At least when I'm guest house Rachel.  About a month ago, I also started training in the business office several mornings a week.  I'm really enjoying both, especially as I get into them more.  (On a keeping-it-real note, I'll admit I wasn't entirely sure about the business office at first.  Everything was so very new and I felt rather overwhelmed by the sheer amount of learning staring me in the face.  Thankfully, I have an excellent and very patient teacher, and I think things are going well in that department.)

I've got some ideas in mind for decorating my office, which I hope to tackle this week.  And I'll be sure to have pictures for you when I do.

Kids -

Sometimes I get to babysit these two kiddos, Isaac and Ezra.

Isaac is such a crack-up.  He reminds me a lot of Calvin, from Calvin and Hobbes...so naturally I love him.  Ezra is just a wee bit older than Malachi, which is special and fun.  Really the whole family has very quickly found a special place in my heart.

Random stuff -

Curry leaves!  I was so delighted to find them.  The other week, some of us girls made an excursion about forty minutes away and found both an Indian and a Korean grocery store.  Now I just need to make some curry with those leaves tucked away in my freezer.  (Sounds like a good excuse for a party.  Really, who am I kidding?  Have I ever needed an excuse to throw a party?)

A late Christmas gift...almost too pretty to use! :)

Such sweet friends I have here.

I have no idea why this picture frame (which I've had for several years) suddenly decided to warp so badly.  Perhaps it's the weather here?

Too funny. :)

I love making mini-notecards.  I love just about anything mini, really.

Last weekend's big project was getting new prayer cards (and a couple packages) ready to mail.  It felt so good to have that finished when Monday rolled around.

Mom sent me a care package this week - 'cause she's cool like that - and, among other things, she sent me this puzzle.  Doors and windows are my one weakness.

Snow -

I've not gotten tired of it yet.  I still find myself standing at the windows, fascinated by this magical white world I live in - fascinated, too, by how different each snowfall can be.  Heavy, wet, sloppy, dry, crunchy, soft, with big flakes, or flakes fine like powdered sugar.

I also love watching the kids play in the yard just outside my office window and hearing their noisy glee.

It all just takes my breath away, this quiet beauty, and I shake my head in wonder over the fact that I know the God who paints these scenes so perfectly.

The school -

Here's the place I call home now.

Such a gloriously unlikely word for it.  Sometimes I think God must have been smiling over how He planned to unfold my story when I thought I had it all figured out.

I'm glad I didn't.

I'm glad He did.

Social(ish) stuff -

Baking day!  What could be more fun that baking up a bunch of different goodies and sharing them?

Having girls over for dinner is one of my most favorite things to do.  I mean, people.  Food.  They make my heart happy.

So far the dinners have followed an international theme (we've done Senegalese, Filipino, and Mexican), and I don't foresee running out of ideas on that score anytime soon.  What will it be next...Indian, perhaps?

We had some visiting missionaries give a presentation one evening.  We got to experience a cultural event (a Thai meal, served in traditional style on mats on the floor), then he talked about their belief system and gave us a lot of insight into their world.  It was a really good, informative evening, but also very...heavy (for lack of a better way of saying it).  I came home just feeling the weight of fear and need that people live under without Jesus.

Of course, not all our school events are serious in nature.  Some are just fun.

Meet Lizzie, Pico, Ellie, Jill, Sadie, Emily, and Alix.  Ellie and Jill were visiting, but the others are students.

Campus Life organizes various activities throughout the semester (like school picnics, ice skating, etc.).  Last Friday they put on something called Escape Room.  Basically, we were divided up into teams and each team was locked into a room.  We then had to crack codes and figure out clues in order to escape.  If we didn't figure it out within an hour, we died.  Thus the "organ donor" signs around our necks. :)

It was a good bonding time.

Quiet time -

I've been reading through Psalms and just drinking it all in.

I love how this book is both so full of humanity and honesty about struggles, yet also so full of God's promises and the reminders of His faithfulness.

This past Thursday morning, I woke up feeling pretty overwhelmed by all that had to happen that day.  I plopped down with my Bible and coffee, and here's where my reading started that day.  When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  It's as if God was saying, "Look, I know you're overwhelmed right now.  Let's talk about that, shall we?"

He knows where we're at and He's always willing to meet us in that place.  Two things I'm so very grateful for.

Discovering God's Heart in the Sabbath

What is the Christian's relationship to the Sabbath supposed to be?

I've pondered that question a lot over the years.

The typical response is something to the effect that we're under the New Covenant, and therefore the law is not applicable to us at all.  Or least, some will say, since keeping the Sabbath is the only commandment not repeated in the New Testament, we can just ignore that one.  Some say that because Jesus rose on the first day of the week, Sunday replaces the Sabbath as our day of worship, and we're released from keeping the Sabbath.

Those explanations always seemed...lacking.  Almost as if they were reducing a commandment to something insignificant, as if that one (vs. the other nine) could so easily become obsolete.  There had to be more to the issue.

I backed up a bit and tried to look at the issue in the context of the entire Bible.  I asked myself –

What is the purpose of the Law [we'll just focus on the Ten Commandments for the moment]?

To show us God's standard (and that we were incapable of meeting it), which in turn shows us God's character.  He doesn't just throw out rules arbitrarily; each came from who He is.  When He said, "Don't murder", it was because He created humans in His image, gave us each a soul, and therefore human life is precious to Him.  When He said, "Don't commit adultery," it was because He created marriage to be a special, for-life relationship between one man and one woman.

So why the Sabbath?  What does it show us about His character, His heart?

Well, we know the Sabbath is tied to Creation (Exodus 20:11).  God created for six days, then rested on the seventh.  He didn't do this because He was tired, but to establish a pattern for us: a time for work, and a time for rest.  From the very beginning of this world, He laid down certain rhythms for our benefit.  Exodus 16:29 says that God gave the Sabbath.  The Sabbath was more than a commandment; it was a gift.  Jesus reiterates the idea in Luke 2:27: "The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath."

Far from the rule-riddled burden it became with the Pharisees (and others), the Sabbath was actually designed to be something beautiful and restoring.  It was supposed to be a reminder of our limits, that we need times of rest.  Rest is a gift for our bodies, minds, and spirits - a gift God was offering through the Sabbath.  It was a time to pause the busyness and work of everyday life, to reflect on Him in quietness and with intentionality.  Why did God bother to make it a command?  Why not just a suggestion?  Because I believe He knows we humans have a tendency to forget.  To be too busy.  To get swept away by the loud and the crazy and the demands.  I know I do.

Now we're back to the original question: What is the Christian's relationship with the Sabbath supposed to be?

The New Testament teaches us that we are not under law but under grace (Romans 6).  We're not supposed to be looking at the law and trying to keep it; we're supposed to be looking at Jesus and being led by the Spirit (Galatians 5).  As we are led by the Spirit, we will indeed reflect the heart behind the law God gave, but we are not motivated by an obligation to keep a set of rules.  For instance, we won't murder, not because we're told not to but because we have come to value human life the way God does.

How will we reflect God's heart behind the Sabbath?  I think we'll be taking intentional time to relax, to worship, to remember.  That we'll have an attitude of resting in Him.  That we'll actively resist the temptation to constant busyness and guard time for listening to His voice.