The Road to Gaza: Part 2

Story time continues...

I could no longer ignore the possibility that God might be leading me back to the US.  Nor could I keep putting off the decision indefinitely.

But I was afraid.  Afraid to give up everything.  Everything I'd worked towards, everything I'd given myself to, everything I'd ever dreamed of.  Who would I be?  What would I do?  Would all this be a waste?

It was ironic.  The very things I started questioning led me to be more sure of the things that I needed to be sure of.

My identity has to be in Christ, and Christ alone.
God's grace towards me is completely based on His character and what Jesus accomplished on the cross.  Nothing I did or didn't do would earn me any more favor in His eyes.  I was already infinitely loved.
God is bigger than all my struggles or questions or doubts, and He will accomplish His plan.  He doesn't depend on me - in any way.  I am the one who needs to depend on Him.
God has a purpose for everything He leads us through, and no experience we have while following Him will be wasted.

During this whole time, God faithfully reassured me of His love, brought encouragement through friends who listened and prayed with me, and gave me what I needed one day at a time.

But still...there was no answer.  No direction.  No peace about what I was supposed to do in the future.

At one point, I told a friend something to the effect, "I'm just having a really hard time with the uncertainty.  I just. don't. know what to do."  Then, knowing over-analyzing is one of my biggest specialties, I admitted, "Maybe I'm making this whole thing more complicated than it should be."

She asked, "Would you mind sharing some of the complexities (or possible lack thereof) of the decision?"

So I wrote a list (because that's another one of my specialties): reasons for staying in West Africa vs. reasons for going back to the US.

It would have been nice if one side of the chart would have been considerably longer than the other.  That would have made things a lot easier.  But they were practically equal.

I sat there on my bed for I don't know how long, staring at that list, unable to reason, just spinning my wheels.  Over.  And over.  And over.

Lord, please!  Help me!!!

A couple days later, I had a light-bulb moment...