The Road to Gaza: Part 4

The week I came to the decision was possibly one of the best weeks in the last two years.

Not because I was choosing the easy road, not because I was tired of Africa and looking for a way out, but because God had finally answered my heart's cry for direction.

I saw everything with new eyes.  I felt like dancing down the street or singing my heart out as I walked to class.  (I refrained from doing either.)

It was like grace had just completely captured my heart - again - and outshined everything else.

The next week, a very different sort of reality started to set in.

I would be leaving this place.  I would be leaving my friends here.  I would be doing (again!) something I hate with my whole being: saying goodbye.

I would no longer be Rachel, the missionary in Africa.

I didn't know how not to be that person.  I didn't know how my heart could handle more goodbyes, more friendships flung far and wide across the globe.  I didn't know how I could leave this place, this place that had somehow woven its way into my heart (in spite of many difficulties and struggles).

One evening as I walked home from class, I had a good long talk with God.  In spite of the dazzling visions of grace and the deep peace I'd had only the week before, I came to Him scared and overwhelmed, my faith so very small.

Please, Lord, I just can't do this.  What if...? and How... ? and What next...?

And I knew that He was telling me, Just as you had to trust Me to bring you to this point - to trust Me for direction - so you're going to have to trust Me for everything that lies ahead.  But it's okay.  Just as I was faithful to this point, I will continue to be faithful in the future.  It's always been about My grace, and that grace is not going anywhere.  I'm going to be right be your side, the same God I always have been.  You can trust Me.  I. am. here.

But Lord, I continued, how am I going to tell people?  What are they going to say?  Will they be disappointed?  What about all the people who've invested in me...my teachers and mentors at MTC, my supporters, my host family, my language helpers, my leadership?  And what about all the adjustments waiting for me when I get back?  What am I even going to do?  I'm going to walk away from all this...for what?  I've never wanted to do anything different with my life.

It was the start of what has felt like a crazy roller coaster ride.

...A ride which I shall take you on in the next post.  Or at least I'll take you on parts of it. :)