Celebration: {Day 22} Abigail's Story

Gotten off track?  Struggling with hypocrisy or pride?  Busy doing good things but don't have time for God?  Grace never ignores us, though we might be ignoring it.  Abigail shares her story of the God who never gives up on us.

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I have been racking my brain trying to find a meaningful example of how God has shown me grace recently.  Sure I could tell the story of how I came to know Him, or how I found forgiveness from a dishonest lifestyle or how He helped me to get out of an unhealthy relationship.  But those things happened years ago.  I wanted to share something that happened just recently.

But I couldn't think of anything.  And this really frustrated me, because I know that it revealed where my life was at...not where it should be.  Sadly, I found out that I rarely have been aware of God's grace and love recently...not a position a believer ought to be in.

The Lord really spoke to me on Sunday at church.  The message hit me pretty hard.  The speaker listed "Twelve Evidences That I Have Left My First Love".  So many of these were clearly there in my life that it was sickening.  I vaguely knew that these things were going on, but I hadn't fully realized or connected the dots to see that they showed a lack of love for the Lord.

1.  Do I delight in someone else more than the Lord?  Check.
2.  Do I not long for fellowship in God's Word and prayer?  Compared with other things, not at all.
3.  Do I reflect on other things during leisure time?  Oh yes.
4.  Do I easily give in to things which displease the Lord?  Sadly, check.
5.  Do I grudgingly give to the Lord?  Check.
6.  Do I fail to treat all Christians as I would treat the Lord?  Check.  Especially certain family members.
7.  Does if feel like His commandments restrict my happiness?  Sometimes...so yes, check.
8.  Do I strive for public acclaim rather than to please the Lord?  Check.  A thousand times, yes.  This is perhaps one of my most shameful sins and constant downfall.
9.  Do I fail to witness for fear of embarrassment or persecution?  Check.
10.  Do I offend weaker Christians because I am unwilling to give up my "freedoms"?  Probably...still have to think about this one.
11.  Do I ignore sin and leave it unconfessed in my life?  Check.  Probably why I have missed the breaking of bread about 75% of the time this year.
12.  Do I hold grudges against other people?  Check.

Man!  I am so disgusting inside.

The funny thing is, I thought I was ok.  On the outside I look fine 'cause I've been discipling several people, involving myself in ministry, trying to read my Bible and pray regularly, witnessing to a friend once in a while, encouraging other people, .etc.  So I thought I was growing.

But then the speaker talked about how we should bring everything before God.

It hit me that I was doing, doing, doing.  All in my own strength.  All of these good things had become wrong because of the fact that I was proud of myself for doing them.  I was not coming before God to ask for His grace, because I didn't think I needed it.  I was just fine on my own.

Or was I?

Two things I realized from the message on Sunday:

1.  I looked ok on the outside, but AGAIN I had forgotten about the most important thing...a deep, intimate fellowship and relationship with Jesus, a relationship that changes me from the inside out.

2.  Anytime I say "I've got this", I am really just doing works in my own strength.  I am not depending on God.  It is a slap in the face to God and a rejection of His grace for me.

Today I read a blog post about the young rich man who came to Jesus telling Him all about the way he had lived perfectly and done everything right.  As I read, I saw myself in that young man.  I am always trying to do the right thing, trying to be good, kind, patient, and to keep all the rules.  I started to cry when I read about how hard this man had tried, because I knew that even all of that was not enough.

I felt myself in his place, knowing that I too was not good enough despite how hard I tried.  I knew that Jesus' response would be that he hadn't done the right thing and in the end the young man would turn away from Jesus...

Then I read this verse.  "Jesus looked and him and loved him."  (Mark 10:21)

This was the last thing I thought I would read.  I had forgotten this verse was even there.  I had immediately jumped in my mind to the next part of the passage, where the young man goes away discouraged because Jesus points out where he has failed.  But here it was.  Before correcting him, Jesus looks at him with love.

Jesus knows.  He truly knows that I am trying.  He knows because He made me, and He sees the desires of my heart.  He knows that I am the type of person to try really hard to get things right.  He knows that I try too hard sometimes and get caught up with myself and forget about Him.  And yet, the first thing He does is love me, just like the first thing He did with this young man was to love him.

What a sweet, kind person Jesus is.  He truly cares about me.

And then, part of caring about me is to show me where I am off track.  He showed the rich young man that he lacked one thing: to give everything up and follow Him.

Truly, nothing on earth, no good thing I do, no riches I have, should be allowed to compare with being with Jesus.  Yet I know that they have recently, and that I have not allowed Him to come near me and change me.  I have held on to ME.

So perhaps my grace story starts with realizing that I need that grace.  I need His forgiveness and love and I need Him to change me every day.  I cannot let myself become hardened.  I cannot let myself wander away from my first love.  The consequences are tremendous.

But I realize that I have, and I know now that again I need God's grace to turn my heart and mind to Him and make Him my passion.

Abigail C.