Celebration: {Day 25} Left Raw

I've talked a lot about grace breaking through my Pharisee façade.

It had been both a mask and a cast - keeping others from seeing my true face, and keeping me all bound up and hobbling along.  To be rid of it was to experience a freedom that I'd never really known before.  It was like breathing in deep gulps of air.  It was like running free through fields stretched out beneath sunny, open skies.  It was wonderful.

But there was another side to this new reality, a much less sunny side.

When you shatter a years-old protective shell, you expose layers that haven't been exposed before.  You no longer have the mask to hide behind.  You're left open, raw.

And so it was for me.

Since I was little, I'd pictured myself as the next Amy Carmichael, the next Gladys Alward, the next Ida Schudder.  I was sure of my calling, sure of myself, sure that I was going to serve God in wonderful ways.  But then grace came along, changing, well...everything.  And when I landed in Africa at 22, I was quite unprepared for the struggles that I'd experience.  Things that, to paraphrase a fellow missionary, would make any church-goer question my walk with the Lord.

I'm not talking about culture shock, like everything-is-so-different-and-overwhelming-and-I-stick-out-like-a-sore-thumb-and-I-don't-know-if-I'm-gonna-make-it-here-and-some-days-I-flat-out-hate-it.  That's normal.  Far from comfortable or fun, but normal.

I'm talking about seriously asking myself if this was indeed my calling.  If God really wanted me to serve Him as a missionary in Africa - or as a missionary at all!  (Side note: I'm not claiming to be the only one who's ever experienced this.  I'm simply distinguishing it from culture shock/stress, which I expected.)

I couldn't help but think, If I had come here three years ago, I honestly wouldn't be having these struggles!

I would have had it all together.  I would have blithely repeated Christian clichés when things got tough.  If that didn't work, I would have given myself firm talkings-to and mechanically quoted Bible verses.  (Because Christians are supposed to quote verses, right?)

But the stock of clichés was gone.  I searched high and low for some vestige, some semblance of protection to wrap around me, but it was fruitless.  I knew I didn't have it all together.  Grace had peeled away the old layers and left me...raw.  Stripped of who I thought I was and who I had tried to be.

God's timing may be painful, but it is always purposeful.  I have no doubt that He took the mask away when He did so that when I got here, I would be conscious of these struggles...and so that my heart would be open and workable.

Do I enjoy these struggles?  No.  Of course not.  Would I have asked for them?  No.  But I know He doesn't make mistakes.  He's working.  He's got a plan.

And look, I'm not saying all this because I've got this stuff resolved.  I'm simply sharing reality because this is all part of His grace.

All part of His grace.