I realize that up until this past week, I've been rather absent from the blogging scene. Life has been very busy and I felt like I needed a break from blogging. Or maybe (more realistically) my blog needed a break from me. But God has been doing way too many cool things lately for me to keep them ALL to myself. :)
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The biggest thing recently has been the process of choosing a field.
Over the past couple weeks, I wrote to four fields: Mexico, Southeast Africa, West Brazil, and West Africa. No strong pull towards any in particular; I just needed to start somewhere. They replied with lots of helpful, encouraging information. Their thoroughness was a blessing.
But let me tell you about West Africa...
I've had a fear of this part of the world ever since we took phonetics last January. As long ago as that was, I still remember lines like: "These sounds are pretty weird, but don't worry about mastering them. They only occur in a few languages we know of, and they're all in West Africa." I also remember hearing of various people's struggles to grasp the complicated tone systems some of those languages boast. I mentally crossed West Africa off my list of possibilities with -
It would be way too hard for me. Let someone else go. Someone who's really good with languages. Let THEM wrestle through all that "weird" stuff; I'LL go somewhere else. [Somewhere easy...somewhere I won't have to feel my desperate need for the Lord...somewhere I can feel comfortable in my own abilities...] Or even, Lord, You wouldn't call me somewhere like that if I won't be able to learn the language...?
Three weeks ago (just before I wrote to any of the fields), some staff and students hosted a "West Africa night". I went. It felt sort of weird to show up, since after all, God wasn't going to call me there. But I went. It was a good night. Really, really good.
You know, it was crazy - on the way home that night, I started talking to the Lord about the whole thing. Really, until then I'd never realized how wrong my attitude was. I'd been trusting in my own abilities. Making decisions and leaving HIM out of the equation entirely. No wonder I felt so overwhelmed and fearful! But He reassured me that His grace would be sufficient for whatever I faced, and that He would be with me no matter what. And for the first time in a long time, I was incredibly excited to see what God had in store around the next corner. No fear. No holding back. I knew that whatever He did was going to be great.
So I added West Africa to my list, sent off my emails, and prayed. And waited.
Fast forward to last weekend. I'd heard back from West Africa on Friday (the other three fields had written back by this time).
The plan was to go through the information from each field and write back with any further questions - sort of weighing the "pros and cons" - because that's just the way I do things. I like life neat, orderly, under control. However, by Sunday evening I seriously could not think of anywhere else but West Africa. It was so unexpected that my mind was reeling: "West Africa?! Seriously? I haven't even written everyone back with my questions..." etc., etc., etc.
Dear Esther reminded me: "Maybe it would help if you think about it from the perspective that you've been praying about it for quite a while (along with many other people), so it shouldn't be too surprising to sense the Lord moving you in a particular direction." Of course. Duh! "I've been praying for an open door...praying for the Lord's leading. Look, an open door! Uh...wait. What am I supposed to do with that?!"
Having waited for so long without knowing where I was headed, I got used to it. I was okay with "wait". Then, in just a few short weeks, everything was turned on its head (or so it seemed), and once again I found myself struggling to have peace with what the Lord was doing. It wasn't easy. I cried, "I don't know what to think! This isn't how I pictured Your leading, Lord!" (When was the last time He did something the way I expected?!)
Then, somehow, things just started falling into place, and there was that peace. The confirmation with each step that He was leading...
What can I say but, "Wow." God is incredible.
There's more, but I've already written a novel, and I should close.
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So, here I am at the end of another week -
Resting in the arms of a God who loves me more than I can ever imagine. It's the most difficult, worthwhile, beautiful place in the world to be.
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