Knocking the Idol Down

I had an idol and I built a little shrine for it.

The idol was called Capable High.

For those of you who aren't familiar with that term, it's the level NTM missionaries are generally required to reach before they can begin a formal ministry in that language.

Here in West Africa, people are usually in French study for around two years before they reach that level.  Now, I've (mostly) followed the GPA program, I've been (mostly) diligent in study, and I'm not a slower-than-average language learner.  So at the end of the program, I had every expectation of reaching capable high.

But I didn't.

My initial feelings were disappointment and perhaps some discouragement.  But the longer I mulled over the results of my evaluation, the deeper I realized it went.

It stung my pride.  Badly.

Perhaps if I was staying here, it wouldn't have been as big of a deal, because I'd have more time to work on language and there's no reason to think that I couldn't eventually get to capable high.  But I'm not.  I'm leaving in July.  Any progress before then would be minimal at best - from an evaluation standpoint, anyway.

I've already felt like I'm leaving without having done much of the stuff that missionaries are supposed to do.  I just wanted something tangible that I could hold up when I went back to the US, something that said, "Look!  My time here wasn't wasted.  My effort wasn't wasted.  Your support wasn't wasted.  At least I accomplished something!"

Now, the one tangible thing that I'd been staking my hopes on was gone, and I had to confront the ugly reality of the pride that motivated those hopes.  I had to realize that I had been tying my worth and my identity more closely to that than I was to Christ.

Of course, capable high isn't a bad thing.  It's a good and useful thing.  There's a reason we require it.

But good things, if put in places they don't belong, can become idols.  The Spirit will seek to show us that gently, but if we're not willing to let go of them, He may choose to knock them down.

It's hard to watch your idol topple over and smash to pieces, yes.

But when the idol is out of the way, you realize how empty and unsatisfying it was to hold on to.  And you see how big and amazing God truly is.