Dear _____,

Buses… Two things: I am sooo thankful I’m not claustrophobic.  Also, you have taught me that remaining upright – and in one place – in a moving (swaying, bumpy, jerking) vehicle takes a certain amount of skill. 

Neighbors playing “music”…  It seriously sounds more like a stethoscope and an irregular heartbeat.  I can’t say I’m a fan.

Mosquitoes…  I take a warped kind of pleasure in squashing you.  I only wish I didn’t get so much practice.

Cart of squealing pigs…  I was walking down the road, minding my own business, when I heard a sound I’d not heard before.  I hate pigs with a passion (sorry if any of my readers are pig fans), but I can’t say I exactly liked to see you all tied up and piled on top of each other.  You sounded positively desperate.

Chicken crossing the road…  When I saw you, I immediately tried to come up with some witty reply to “why did the chicken cross the road?”, but before I could, you turned around and ran back to the curb.  That was probably a good idea, with that bus barreling down on you.  Besides, those chicken-crossing-the-road jokes are lame anyway.

Travel-size bottle of hairspray… I honestly think I’ve used more of you on cockroaches than on my hair.

Clothes… Wonder why you get shaken out every time?  In a word: cockroaches.  I’ve been traumatized ever since that day (months ago) I went to pull on a pair of jeans and a cockroach fell out.  Ick.